Before I was ever a Tarot card reader, I was first and foremost a writer. Writing has been my passion since the third grade. Over the years however, my writing language has developed much more so than my public articulation. A few years ago, I noticed that I wrote much better than I spoke, which really bothered me, so I began paying attention to how I formed my vocal words, and took challenging opportunities to speak in front of small crowds of people, even though I floundered and shook with intense nervousness. (I often throw myself out to the wolves for exponential growth.) The best thing for me is to be challenged, but I couldn’t stop judging myself. How could there be such a disconnect from my voice to my fingers? It was devastating to me, but I kept working on delivering my knowledge and wisdom through my speaking voice, especially in casual conversations, because it was so important to me to integrate my writing voice with my speaking voice.
My ultimate vision for my life is to speak in front of large crowds of people. My goals are to travel, to speak, and to share my writing with the world. I desperately suffered with this disconnection while yearning to speak as well as I wrote. It was desire that burned inside of my gut. If I was ever going to reach my goal, I needed to integrate the paradox.
At the time, I had NO idea that the Tarot would sweep me off my feet and pull me into it’s mysterious world, but it did, and I followed my curiosity. The cards were so intimidating – all the symbols, numbers, and archetypes, but like I said, I lust after a challenge, especially when it is something that sparks my inner child, who gets excited and feels incredible joy that expands into my body. Especially if it is mysterious and offers personal growth and self-actualization. That’s what I’m all about.
My goal was to write one book per year, which I’ve done for several years. The manuscripts blazed through my fingers like electricity through wires. I had NO problem writing. It was the easiest thing for me to do – like eating. It excited me, and brought me closer to who I truly am. I never thought I would lose that fire, but it’s been a year and a half, and I haven’t been able to write a book. I don’t even have much to say, which is WEIRD. I don’t ever use the term, “writer’s block,” because I didn’t feel blocked at all. I just didn’t feel the pull to write, and I’m totally ok with going with the creative flow in my life. The Tarot has been keeping my creative juices flowing, and taking up a lot of my personal time, so I wasn’t feeling empty of artistic value. Over time, I began feeling confident enough to do readings for people (besides my friends and myself), and my readings have developed quickly. The opportunities to read never cease. I’m not even really trying to make this thing move in my life. It’s actually pulling me along. I have no fear about going into a reading, even with a skeptic. In fact – BRING IT ON, baby. The cards never lie, and I LOVE the personal connection I receive through the Tarot that I do not get when I’m sitting quietly and alone behind my laptop. I love seeing people being blown away, and touched by my readings. I love hearing about how someone made a big decision after the reading, and how their life is flourishing because of it.
Fast forward to this morning while I lay wide awake under our window overlooking our lush and foresty backyard as the sun rose and radiated over the hills across the canyon. I reflected on the prior evening. I spent my entire night reading Tarot for many people. It was EXHILERATING. This morning, I gave myself a weekly reading, and it was RIGHT ON. The cards never lie. Usually I would want to get up and write for an hour or two, but I haven’t had anything to write about. I pondered this. When am I going to get back to that? When is the book going to come?
Suddenly, in a moment of clarity, I felt the Spirit speak to my soul. You needed the Tarot to learn to speak. You needed it to relate to people, and to feel a connection with people. We needed to get you out from behind the screen and into the real world to help you reach your vision for your life. This has been a time of integration for you. The Tarot was a gift. It is was you asked for, wasn’t it? You wanted to connect your voice with your writing.
Tears of gratitude filled my eyes, and trickled down my cheeks. How could I have missed that? In all this time, how could I not see the connection? I mean, I know how Spirit works. I’ve been spiritually aware since I was a child. I am savvy about Spirit’s graciousness in my life, and how she embraces me, and always answers my prayers, but… she is often so silent about it that I nearly miss it. How grand. How mysterious. How amazing to be in this body of matter, absorbed by spirit. Today, I’m in awe.
Thank you, Great Spirit. Thank you SO MUCH.