For the first time in over a year (perhaps even two years) I woke up feeling the spaciousness around me. There was a refreshing (and much desired) sense of liberation. I spent the weekend unpacking boxes in my new home, and organizing drawers and containers that have been sitting like forgotten storage month after month. I can’t even begin to tell you how heavy my life has felt for all of these months. I never thought I could wade my way through it all, but because we had to downsize, I was forced to go through everything and rid myself of baggage. There is nothing like opening up clogged spaces to create a channel for a magical flow of gracious energy. I already feel the magic. Finally.
I’ve been beating myself up a little bit since we moved, because of the experience that I created in September, which was supposed to be a community of really dynamic people living together. I manifested a home with the intention to exchange support and love between the community. By leasing a huge house, and inviting a group of people together, I thought I was doing a service to myself, to my daughter, and to everyone who lived there, but it turned out to be a disaster. Not only was there an uncomfortable energetic resistance between all of the residents, but the house itself was falling apart. In winter, it flooded. In spring, we experienced mold and an infestation of termites and spiders. The landlords were beyond awful. By the time we decided to leave, I was at my wits end emotionally, and mentally. The energy in the space I created was so chaotic and confusing that I have been asking myself what is wrong with me that I created such a mess? But now it’s all beginning to make sense. There is a bigger picture here that is clearly unfolding.
What I’ve always ultimately wanted, is freedom. In every sense of the word. Freedom in my body. Freedom in my mind, in my heart, and in my daily experiences. Financial freedom sounds like heaven. I’ve been on the path to ultimate freedom since I was a child trying to find my place in the world, but when you are on a path to freedom, the path is oddly rigorous. You see, we have to work through our own baggage, our belief systems, our internal messes, along with our rigid conditioning in order to open up enough space within ourselves to experience freedom. Sometimes we think we’re creating freedom, but we’re actually creating a bigger manifestation of our inner mess that we need to wade through in order to get to that freedom. Sometimes we don’t even know we have an inner mess to wade through, but physical reality reflects it so that we can face it, otherwise, we may continue being blind to it.
I can’t exactly identify all of my internal messes, but I saw it in physical reality. I faced it in my housemate’s energy. I felt my emotions running rapid in that house as I dealt with other people’s personal dramas. Being a sensitive (empathic) person that I am, I nearly went into a state of depression by taking on other people’s stuff. I didn’t even know how to create a space for myself in the midst of it all to remove myself from their energy, because I had no idea I was even taking it on until I moved and realized it in hindsight. Whew. What a whirlwind. There were times when I felt so confused that I couldn’t even manifest anything except for more drama.
So here I am, back in my own space with my daughter, no longer taking on other people’s weird energies or experiencing the heaviness of other people’s thoughts. I feel so much that if I am around too many people, I take on their heaviness. I felt anchored down into mud while I lived in that home. I feel everything deeply, and I’m still learning how to manage through my own emotions and thoughts, let alone other people’s emotions and thoughts.
Now that I’ve created a sacred space for myself again, I understand that I needed to go through that mess. You see, I was forced to face some of my darkest emotions that I probably would have never faced if I wasn’t forced to face them. Who wants to drudge down into the depths of their shadows, voluntarily? Most of us do the boot-scoot-boogie around those dark corners of ourselves, but I was right up in it. Yuck… (and thank Goddess for that opportunity to see myself, and to face my dark corners).
So here I am with a clear space physically, mentally, and emotionally. Here I am with a new sense of freedom that I probably wouldn’t have had if I hadn’t of painfully drudged through some of my heaviest emotions, and if I wouldn’t have opened all those boxes and containers that have been piled up in my places of residents for months on end. But it took an experience of dreadful discipline. I was in a dense space for months, from which I could not run. I was surrounded by people from whom I couldn’t hide. It was all right up in my grill, and I faced it head-on because I didn’t have a choice, yet I see now how my soul created it because it so desperately wanted me to get to a place of ultimate liberation from those obscure, internal messes that have been energetically choking me.
I have pulled the Hierophant two days in a row, for two different questions. The card screams out “discipline.” Rigorous discipline if we want ultimate freedom. Discipline with facing myself. Discipline in my daily routine. Discipline in having a vision for my life and removing everything and everyone who does not add up to that vision. I can have good intentions all day long, but if I’m not working toward a goal, I’m going to have experiences that feel random and chaotic, instead of experiencing synchronicity and flow. If we want to feel free, we need to be willing to do the work to get there. We can’t avoid the messes. We can’t circumvent the internal chaos that often drives our lives. We need to be open to learning the hard lessons, and most of all, we need to become humble and surrender to that which we cannot control. At one point in that house, I threw my arms up, lost all sense of pride, and let go of outcome. And here I am, with an amazing sense of freedom.
Freedom is letting go of outcome. Freedom is being honest with ourselves, and with others. Freedom is knowing that we aren’t free until we face those inner demons that hold us captive from experiencing our own life.